Learning he never gave me a voice...
Heading to work, the entire way I tried thinking how i would feel if my husband said I couldn't have my dream. I knew it would crush me but I didn't want a motorcycle because I had grown up hearing they are just "donor cycles". Why would I wish my husband dead? I mean I loved him right?! after a long 9 hour shift on my feet. I went home to find a bullet bike in our driveway. He came out to tell me he financed a brand new bike and bike gear. He had signed papers and added an extra $350 bill a month that we didn't have on our plate. I was so mad. I could hardly see straight. I remember yelling at him telling him this was a decision we should have made together. I remember thinking I couldn't work more and we were already scraping by. I remember saying I couldn't believe he would make a decision like this on his own. I got in our car and left. I drove for hours. Crying. I was crying so hard I really shouldn't have been driving. I must have driven till 3 am. I slept that night at my parents. I left my husband a voice message telling him I was staying there I needed time to cool down. He called and I let it go to voicemail. I was too scared he would tell me to come back and even more scared I would...
I went to work after a short nap. Trying to keep myself together. My father in law came to my work and handed me an envelope and told me to "read it after work before I went home". Unsure what it would be and If I was even going home. I stuck it in my pocket. My shift ended early that day. I went to my car, looked at the envelope addressed to me. I ripped it open. The note was 5 or more pages front and back. I began to think it had to be an apology from my husband. I was so very sorely mistaken... It was from my father in law. All of it. It wasn't an apology of my husbands actions but a disapproval of mine. He told me how a REAL DAUGHTER OF GOD would forgive him for his mistakes, would stand by his side through his porn addiction and "all his choices no matter what they are." He began to tell me how God would be ashamed of the person I was. He said many hurtful and soul crushing things. I hid the note, cried more, I had no idea I could even cry anymore. I sat in the car for an hour crying and thinking. I finally agreed with the letter.... He must be right...why else would I be sexually abused...
It had to be me right?! I thought for sure it was. I went home and made dinner and waited for my husband to get home. Unsure of how I would explain myself and my actions to what was this amazing son of God, seemed impossible. He came home I tried to explain how I was just worried for his safety. He was so mad, He yelled at me and told me I had no right to tell him what he could and couldn't do. I agreed and apologized again. He told me to never do it again and threw his phone. It flew past my had so close I swear I could hear its gentle buzz. Shocked I stood there frozen. Unsure what to do next. He began apologizing for "starting to loose his temper". I turned around to find the screen shattered on his phone. Now we needed to buy him another phone. I remember him telling me that night I better tell everyone I dropped it. It was my fault after all.
Weeks went by without much happening the raping became normal. I honestly started to believe that was just what sex was. I shortly found out, I was pregnant. I must have pee'd on every stick in 2 stores. I was on birth control I had only missed that one nights pill when we were fighting. I came to him at work to share our happy news. I mean I had always wanted nothing more then to be a mom. I told him, showed him the pregnancy stick. Im not sure how I expected him to react but definitely not the way he did. He was actually excited, he hugged me and kissed me and told me how this was exactly what we needed. I had no idea what he meant by that but if this was making him happy maybe just maybe this was pregnancy was going help us...
I went to work after a short nap. Trying to keep myself together. My father in law came to my work and handed me an envelope and told me to "read it after work before I went home". Unsure what it would be and If I was even going home. I stuck it in my pocket. My shift ended early that day. I went to my car, looked at the envelope addressed to me. I ripped it open. The note was 5 or more pages front and back. I began to think it had to be an apology from my husband. I was so very sorely mistaken... It was from my father in law. All of it. It wasn't an apology of my husbands actions but a disapproval of mine. He told me how a REAL DAUGHTER OF GOD would forgive him for his mistakes, would stand by his side through his porn addiction and "all his choices no matter what they are." He began to tell me how God would be ashamed of the person I was. He said many hurtful and soul crushing things. I hid the note, cried more, I had no idea I could even cry anymore. I sat in the car for an hour crying and thinking. I finally agreed with the letter.... He must be right...why else would I be sexually abused...
It had to be me right?! I thought for sure it was. I went home and made dinner and waited for my husband to get home. Unsure of how I would explain myself and my actions to what was this amazing son of God, seemed impossible. He came home I tried to explain how I was just worried for his safety. He was so mad, He yelled at me and told me I had no right to tell him what he could and couldn't do. I agreed and apologized again. He told me to never do it again and threw his phone. It flew past my had so close I swear I could hear its gentle buzz. Shocked I stood there frozen. Unsure what to do next. He began apologizing for "starting to loose his temper". I turned around to find the screen shattered on his phone. Now we needed to buy him another phone. I remember him telling me that night I better tell everyone I dropped it. It was my fault after all.
Weeks went by without much happening the raping became normal. I honestly started to believe that was just what sex was. I shortly found out, I was pregnant. I must have pee'd on every stick in 2 stores. I was on birth control I had only missed that one nights pill when we were fighting. I came to him at work to share our happy news. I mean I had always wanted nothing more then to be a mom. I told him, showed him the pregnancy stick. Im not sure how I expected him to react but definitely not the way he did. He was actually excited, he hugged me and kissed me and told me how this was exactly what we needed. I had no idea what he meant by that but if this was making him happy maybe just maybe this was pregnancy was going help us...
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