How did I not see this coming?!
9 years ago fresh out of high school, with only having 1 boyfriend before; that lasted only a few weeks before he cheated on me and broke my nearly 18 year old heart. I went to a church camp out, and met this guy I hated at first meeting. He just seemed so pretentious. That was not my type at all. I was this outgoing, loving, kind hearted, naive girl. This guy spent the entire weekend flirting with me and by the end of the weekend I finally agreed to go on one date with him. It went well and we continued to date and fall in love. He came to all my family functions. Talked to me like I was Gods gift to him. We talked about what i felt was everything, He told me how he wasn't a virgin. I didn't want details but I explained how I was. He knew my heart breaks and dreams. I thought I knew his. I fell in "love" with him and dated him for a year, before he proposed marriage. I was so excited to marry who I thought would forever love me. Quickly I learned that was all a show...
The night we got married my world flipped upside down. It's hard to explain this in a family friendly way so if you can't read what happened that night skip this paragraph...You still here? Well that night he took me to our cabin in the woods. It was next to many other cabins for rent. It had a hot tub in the room and sparkling cider and strawberries. He was so excited to finally "do" me. That night was my first time, my first time having sex, my first time being raped, my first time being held down by my throat so he could do what he wanted. That night I learned he only married me for that moment.
I thought this had to just be his excitement, he didn't mean it. He was never going to touch me that way again, he loved me.... He promised me fun the next day, he promised me a fun snowmobile trip. We were out on our 1 snowmobile together riding it. Only lasted maybe 15 minutes before he was "too cold to stay out, WE better go back." I told myself he was cold and would want to cuddle and watch a movie. But that's not at all what happened. (again skip to the next paragraph if you don't want to know more.) He turned the snowmobile in and took me back to the cabin. He tried playing it sweet, and went to backward jump on to the bed and missed and just flew right off. I giggled. A big mistake. He stood up so fast. Angry, he looked at me with his lips pursed. He told me to get in the hot tub NOW. I tried to explain I wasn't laughing at him. He didn't want to hear it. As i went to my suit case to grab my swim suit, he told me I wasn't going to need that. I told him i was still sore from the night before. He scuffed at me.Then told me he was waiting. I slowly climbed in knowing what I was afraid was coming again...Sure enough i was right. The second time or i guess at that point it was the fourth. He raped me. This time there was so much more blood the hot tub seemed to be filling with it. He yelled at me, that this better come out he wanted his deposit back. I felt like I did something wrong. I was sure it was me....
The next day was time to head back it was thanksgiving. I was so excited to see my family and ask my mom if this was normal. As soon as we walked into my grandmas he grabbed my hand and my young cousins greeted us with a Christmas plate excited to see us. My husband didn't leave my side for even a minute. I went to the bathroom and he was waiting for me on the other end of the hall. My dad saw me come out of the bathroom and asked how it went. In that moment I wanted too burst into tears. But I looked at my dad and saw how happy he was for me. I couldn't. I just replied good. My husband called me from the other end of the hall asking if I wanted pie or something. This telling people was going to be harder then I thought... I was stronger then this why was a struggling. I knew he wasn't treating me right.
The next day I went back to work like nothing happened. Passing my mom (who i worked with) childhood friends and new friends. Wanting to tell someone how horrible this marriage thing really was. But I just bit my tongue and walked past them all. Holding back tears, and unsure how I would ever get out of this. I worked 40 plus hours a week to keep busy. To try and pretend we were just saving up for a better place or something. Quickly I learned not only did he sexually assault me, But he enjoyed throwing things at me in any arguments. He enjoyed watching girl on girl porn while I was working (something our church believes is wrong.) He enjoyed telling me every way I was a crap wife. It hard to explain how badly I wanted to scream from the roof top how much I hated life. Instead I kept my mouth shut telling no one anything. I kept trying to get him to play games at my parents, he was always so nice to me there. I was safe from everything as long as we were there. The moment we got home he was either yelling at me for not initiating sex so he "had" to take it. Or how we got home late so now he was too tired to do it and he wanted it.
One night he was yelling at me about working long hours and how money was tight and he was never going to be able to buy some motorcycle he always wanted. Something he never told me about and I never wanted. I told him I was working over time just to pay our bills and he'd need to get a second job if he wanted to get a second car. But I really didn't want a motorcycle. He went to bed mad at me and slammed our bedroom door. It was the only room heated in our little downstairs apartment. So after i knew he'd be asleep I climbed in bed with him as quietly as i could. (warning you know the drill) It didn't matter I must have bumped him climbing in or got in too quickly because shortly after I fell asleep. I felt his arm wrap over me then slide over my mouth. With the other he ripped my clothes off. I remember actually trying to fight him off that night. I twist and turned and tried to get free. That made him more mad. I remember the moment my pants where off he flipped me over grabbed my hair pulled it as hard as he could I remember thinking surely soon my hair would just pop out and then it wouldn't hurt so much. with the other hand he covered my mouth as he rapped me. When he finished with me he rolled me over and told me to go clean up so he didn't have a wet bed. I hopped into a shower and cried till the water was running ice cold. I got out wrapped in a towel i curled in a ball in front of a small space heater we had. I remember asking God why? why did he let this happen to me? why did he let me marry him? why did this end up being my life? Did I do something to anger God? I remember falling asleep curled up there. Woke up to my husband gone and I had work to get to.
To be continued...
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